You may not know who I am, but you will learn. Oh! Yes! You will learn!
My name is August Noel "Gus" Wahnsinger, but this has not always been the case. I was born Augustus Ritterman Wahnsinniger von Totenheim to a Yugoslavian soldier of fortune named Vikki. I was abandoned at an early age and raised by the voice-actor who brought Yoda to life in the Croatian version of The Empire Strikes Back
. I never learned Croatian though, and to this day we have never spoken to one another.
My adoptive father, unable to bridge the language gap despite his most articulate flailing and hand gestures, felt he had no choice but to send me to the United States, which was rather difficult considering that at the time we lived in a communist country(Sweden).
I remember upon my arrival in America thinking, "Vad är det stank?" or in English "What's that smell?" It turns out, that smell was just New Jersey, where the Stature of Liberty and Ellis Island both actually reside, much to the dismay of many angry New Yorkers. Ellis Island had been closed for some time, but that didn't keep me from trying to get in there. When I was finally directed to the proper building for immigration purposes, which also just happens to be an IRS building, they still managed to butcher my name.
Around this time I began receiving messages from another world. Strange, uncanny messages. When I told them to the space-aliens who had custody of me, they said "That's absurd!" and beat me with probes so that I'd stop making up such strange stories. I wasn't making them up though, and the messages kept coming. They were messages about elves, kings, bald men with swords who lived in sewers! Oh, they were fantastic and amazing! But I couldn't find a single keyboard, typewriter or word processor on the entire spaceship! Imagine my frustration!
When I was twenty, I returned to New York City, hoping to find a way to get these messages out of my head. What I found there were plenty of Gaps and Starbuckses, but no mental disgurgitators like what I was hoping for. Daunted, bewildered, I went to the only place one could find true solace - the Bronx Zoo. There, a helpful penguin named Chester advised me to take a soul-searching trek into the wilderness, where I might finally discover my purpose.
I began wandering the American countryside, starting in Nebraska, and making my way southwestward. A few days later, I gave up on America, and decided I should seek out my other penguin friends to the far North in Canada. When I reached the Yukon, imagine my dismay to find out that penguins only live in Antarctica! I settled for befriending the local lemmings, which though rewarding, has also proven an emotionally draining and difficult experience.
I sit high upon my throne in the Canadian Rockies as I mentally project this onto the internet. I have begun the process of replicating the messages in my head so you, the consumer/editor/hot chick I'm trying to impress, may also find the meaning and life behind the words that have stained my mind all these many years.
Consider yourselves forewarned and introduced.
August "Incredible Power!" Wahnsinger. Esq., Ovrlrd., etc., etc.